March Madness

Before I lose you, this post has nothing to do with basketball other than the fact that I am living with a basketball team's worth of boys and it's constant madness. 

On one particularly rough day, I decided to make pizza for dinner in an effort to keep everyone busy an happy through the evening. 

It worked! The older boys insisted they knew how to make pizza themselves and they did a fabulous job! Eli was our cheese grater and Carson spread the sauce. While they were busy working, they proudly came to the realization, "Mom, if we do all the work for you, you don't even have to do anything! You can just sit back and relax!" It was so nice to have my first home cooked meal from my boys. This kid thing is finally starting to pay off! :)

We made a ranch/buffalo chicken pizza and it was borderline gourmet.

Chicken fight!

To answer your question, yes. Lincoln is still up to no good.

The morning carpool spotters. 

We spent a few days watching Helen after Celeste had her baby. I had the great pleasure of doing Helen's hair one day which was a great reminder of why I have reason to be grateful for four boys.

Especially on Sundays!

I mean. Can you even imagine having to do FOUR girls' heads of hair in time for church on Sunday?!? The Wrights can!

More Lincoln mischief. Putting the DOH! in Play-Doh.

Carson was so sweet one Sunday to draw The Book of ... wait a minute...

Perhaps the most significant milestone of Jonah's 11th month of life is that he got his first taste of Nutella. 

 Jonah has grown obsessed with putting himself in containers. Probably stems from that month Carson repeatedly threw him in boxed items. One day I kept losing Jonah and every time I went to look for him, this is how I would find him.

He's really good not to put Legos in his mouth, so don't be alarmed. Though you should be alarmed by how good of a throw he has, as he's constantly practicing with handfuls of Legos.

Looks like #4 isn't going to give me much of a mischief break between him and Lincoln!

Stay my sweet baby a little longer, Jo Jo!

Later Gator

Where were we? Oh yes. I was just about to catch you up on that time I ran away to Florida for a weekend with my friend...and Jeff...but it started as a girls' trip on a redeye flight of doom. Okay. The only doom was that it was a redeye and neither of us were able to get a wink of shut-eye while in motion, so by the time we were in Florida at 5:30 AM, hunting down a rental car for both of our first times ever renting a car, we were exhausted. In our exhaustion, we may or may not have missed a toll on our way to the hotel, but that's on you, Florida, for overburdening these jailbroke moms with freeway pitstops.

Four hours of sleep without kids does a mom-bod good as that's all it took for us to feel chipper and ready to face a sunny Florida day. Also, the smile on my face was evidence of my enthusiasm upon learning when I only have to get myself ready without 4 people fighting/pestering/peeing their pants/crying/running out of the house into the road, I can get ready *shower and everything* in 45 minutes. FORTY FIVE MINUTES! It takes me two hours to get out the door with all kids in tow, so this was really enlightening.

We met up with the Children's Miracle Network crew to see the end of the last gathering.

Then it was off to Universal Studios for the second half of the day!

"What?!?! NO KIDS?!?!"

We quickly made our way over to all the Harry Potter stuff because that's what we were all dying to see. It was incredible! The coloring, the atmosphere, and even people wandering around waving wands, made you feel like you had walked right into the book. It exceeded every expectation in every way.

Wait...I take that back. There was one expectation that was not exceeded. The only disappointing part of Harry Potter Land was the Butterbeer. In fact, one of my favorite memories in Harry Potter Land was watching people stand in line for 30 minutes to get Butterbeer, and then to watch their disappointed-but-trying-to-act-like-they-like-cream-soda expression upon taking their first sip. It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't $7.50. Seriously. $7.50 for cream soda with whipped cream on top. And we all forked over the money like a bunch of true muggles.

Day Two!

We went to Disney World on Saturday. Which was even more crowded than you're imagining.

Obligatory proof-we-were-really-at-Disney shot.

For as much fun as Universal Studios is without kids, Disney is the one place that managed to make me miss my kids. A day there without them made it clear that the magic of Disney lies in the excitable eyes of little children. The magic of Disney also lies in choosing to go on a day with minimal crowds. But also the children.

I had never before this moment paid for a treat at a Disney theme park, but since it was just me and Jeff, we decided to treat ourselves to all our mouse-eared whims.

The big joke of the trip was that we had planned to go on an airboat ride, but Jeff and I bailed last minute. The airboat place was 2 hours away and it would have cost us an extra $100, and we had plenty of entertainment already paid for, so we decided to skip it. The only trouble was, I REALLY wanted to go airboating, so it wasn't an easy decision. Burke and Teresa ended up going without us, and we stayed behind at Disney World.

The irony of it is, the lines were so bad at Disney that we waited in line as long as we would have been in the car to and from the airboat ride. And just as I was getting so bummed that we wasted our day waiting in lines at Disney and missed the gator show, these bad boys appeared to cheer me up on Jungle Cruise. I'll keep my $100 thank you very much. And I'll use it to buy a...

Turkey leg. What is with the turkey legs? I've spent the last 10 years of my life hearing all Disney visiting acquaintances telling me about the turkey legs. So I'm like, we GOTTA get a turkey leg. Only to bite into it and find it's actually most certainly not turkey but pig. And I was like, what is this?!? Butterbeer??? Aka - nothing but diappointment.

When all the lines are a 2+ hour wait, you may end up going on It's a Small World to kill the time until your 11:00 PM Space Mountain fast pass. Oh, what's that? Space Mountain will break down at 10:59 forcing us to leave the park without experiencing the one and only ride I was insistent I had to ride all day? Okay. I'll just grab some Magic Water on the way out to cheer up my disappointed heart. Oh, what's that? Magic Water isn't a real thing, but rather an internet hoax created to make believing people like me and Teresa look like freeloading schmoozers? Okay I'm going home now. Minus a real alligator encounter, minus a ride on Space Mountain, and minus a free cup of Sprite hypothetically called "Magic Water."

Disney World was clearly my low of the trip. There were few things I enjoyed about it other than it made Universal Studios all the more enjoyable! The lines at Universal Studios are an experience within an experience, the crowds were less overwhelming, and our matching t-shirts were Universal Studios compatible, so it was a win on all counts.

This was my attempt to make our boys jealous, but with all the cousin fun they were having back home, they weren't the least bit interested in our Bumblebee encounter.

The only problem with my friendship with Teresa is our height difference. I don't notice it too much until it's time to take a picture with her and I'm quickly reminded I'm twice the size of her.

Back to Harry Potter Land but with the smarts not to waste any more money on Butterbeer. Or any park food for that matter.

That dragon blows fire every 10 minutes. It was blowing fire here but Harry must have cast a spell on my camera to keep the magic and excitement of the fire-breathing dragon contained to the park.

Oh wait!! The one park food that did not disappoint was Dippin Dots! A childhood favorite that has only gotten better with age.

Sunday was Burke's birthday -- some would say it's his Burke-Day! (Me. I was the only person who said that and I had a hard time reading whether he thought that was as funny as I did.) We let him choose where we had dinner for his special day. And then we proceeded to take seemingly hysterical selfies without him.

There's the big guy!

Monday morning was the start of our last day. We spent some time in Dr. Seuss Land which inspired me for my upcoming Dr. Seuss themed girls camp.

We rode The Mummy 2-3 more times as it was everyone's favorite ride. That and The Jimmy Fallon ride were my top two.

And then our last ride was one on a plane back home. A plane with a broken air conditioner, but a working engine, so you take what you can get.

Then it was back to the real world where I did not quickly acclimate back into my responsibilities.

I'm already dreaming of our next getaway. It was so fun to escape!

Woe is Three!

Guys. Lincoln. 

Lincoln. Lincoln. Lincoln.

He is of the age of utmost frustration. His life is an infinite oxymoron with constant requests that go something like this:

"Mom. I want cereal."

I pour the cereal. Get out the milk.

"I don't want milk in it."

Grab the milk to put it away.

"No! I DON'T WANT MILK!"

I assure, "Lincoln. I'm just putting the milk back."

Hand Lincoln the bowl of dry cereal.

"I want milk."

That sums up Lincoln's entire existence in a nutshell right now. He is in a constant state of aggressively wanting and then not wanting everything all at once. There is no satisfying him. There is no negotiating. There is no logic. His opinion is final until he convinces himself otherwise. 

He's at the age where the minute he falls asleep I collapse into a ball of emotionally drained lunacy and spend the evening debating if he's the crazy one or if I am. I savor his sleeping hours as a time to regain my cool and rev up for the next day...which has been starting earlier and earlier for no other reason than to further his tormentation of my exhausted soul. 

He recently discovered he can outsmart naptime by refusing to stay in his bed, so one would think this would result in lazy, relaxed mornings of sleeping in. No. It has translated into 6:00 AM wake up calls from a wide-eyed boy heavily breathing next to our bed every morning, ready to start his conflicting demands of the day. 

After we get him his dry cereal with milk...he has to have a cereal box to look at and then he has to wait for the older boys to come down and join him at the table. Because without the older boys, he's unable to scream at them for looking at him while he eats. And whether or not the older boys are actually looking at him, he will become agitated as he peeks around the cereal box to insist they stop looking at him. Which will make them look at him. Which will quickly send Lincoln spiraling out of control.

But don't worry. Some mornings the school provides an over-hyped Dads and Donuts day on the one week of the year Jeff is out of town, but I convinced myself, "Hey. I could pretend to be a dad if it means I don't have to listen to Lincoln scream about how he does and doesn't at the same time want milk with his cereal."

So I go to Dads and Donuts. Like a man. And I eat a donut. And I sit with my legs unnaturally far apart. And just as I start talking sports with my boys, I feel a splash of milk. Ironically. Only to discover the enemy of my morning (milk) was now splattered all down my leg. Dripping. Pooling. Freezing. Taunting. And Lincoln threw his head back in frustration because his entirely full cup of milk that he never had a single sip out of had decided to seek its final revenge on my leg. Proving to all of us that moms just can't do Dads and Donuts the way a dad can and Lincoln will find a way to take issue with milk no matter how drastically we try to switch up our morning routine.

So Jeff was gone on a work trip to Florida where I was planning to join him at the end of the week. But I had to survive a few days with the Lincolnator all by myself first. So not only was I single-parenting it for the week, I was also trying to prepare to send the older boys off to my sister-in-law's house, Jonah to my sister's house, pack my stuff, and clean the whole house to prepare for my trip.

As I was getting things ready, I walked by Lincoln's room and noticed Jonah had just gone in and had started looking at books with Lincoln. Cool. I thought to myself. They will be busy for at least 5 minutes so I can hurry and put new sheets on the older boys' beds. I heard giggling. I heard getting alongness. I gave a nod towards heaven for the gift of a peaceful moment to get a few quick things crossed off the to-do list.

In the 5-10 minutes I was making the beds, the laughter in the other room became increasingly wild, and I began to tune in to Lincoln chanting something. I stepped out into the hall to try to decipher the noises when I noticed they had closed the door. I grew suspicious as I stepped closer, starting to more clearly hear through the door that Lincoln was periodically bursting squeals of "FIREBALL!"

Fearing they had found a way to get in trouble, I took in a deep breath as I opened the door and caught Lincoln mid "fireball" throw. The fireballs were the clothes and the mom was not impressed. Every item of clothing Lincoln owns was thrown in every corner of his room. How he pulled off such a feat in such a short amount of time goes against all rational explanation.

Lincoln has refined his ability to reliably detect any unsupervised writing utensil and, with inhuman speed similar to his fireballing techniques, relentlessly scribble on as many out-of-mom's-eyesight walls as possible before being caught. It's like the toddler version of streaking. He does it just for the thrill and he knows he'll be caught, but the rush is worth it.

All of the above training prepared him for his master plan to break into the refrigerator. I should have noticed as I made a double batch of salad dressing in the afternoon that Lincoln was eyeing my lunch enhancer for his next masterpiece. Little did I know he was devising a plan to attack, and siezed the opportunity when I went in the office to finish up my last 10 minutes of work for the day.

I noticed the rest of the house hushed to a suspicious level of quiet, but I convinced myself I was being paranoid. (This was before I learned you can never be too paranoid in a house with a 3-year-old Lincoln.) I finished up work as I started tuning in to bursts of giggles coming from the kitchen. With Lincoln and Jonah in eyesight, I walked towards them, noticing a giant pile of Cheerios dumped in the middle of the floor.

"What is this?!?" I tried to keep cool as I walked closer. "Why is the fridge open?...What the..." I secured an egg carton that was dangling off the edge of the fridge when the baking soda sprinkled all over the fridge shelves and kitchen floor caught my attention.

As I further surveyed the damage, Lincoln began working on his escape plan. Then, in a moment of pure horror, I saw it. The container I had just hours before put my double batch of salad dressing into. Laying on the floor. Empty.

"DON'T MOVE!" I yelled at Lincoln as though any step he took could set off a bomb...because basically it could. Our house had turned into a poppyseed explosion and we needed to minimize the casualties. Lincoln responded with a convincingly innocent and drawn out, "Why?" As he always does to any request I make of him these days. Even Jonah had his first ever look of guilt and started making a b-line for the carpet. One crawl away from reaching the carpet, I scooped Jonah up and saw his whole belly was covered in a sticky, mustardy, poppyseeded mess.

The evidence seemed to suggest that Lincoln, aka The Mastermind, had dumped the salad dressing all over him and the floor. Meanwhile, smear duty was left to Jonah who made sure the whole corner of the kitchen had a nice, even layer of the food version of glitter -- poppyseeds.

So to sum it up, this is why I can no longer eat salads. Or vegetables. Basically, this is why I eat cake every day for lunch.

I've decided the only way to keep Lincoln out of trouble is to strap him to his car seat. 

Okay, okay. I don't really strap him to his car seat in the house. His seat was brought in so I could clean it before he left for his trip down to Panguitch. He buckled himself in there...but I definitely wasn't arguing with his insistence to be momentarily confined. 

I think Lincoln was just trying to make it easier for me to say goodbye as he knew it would be hard for me to leave my kids for the first time EVER for an overnight trip with Jeff! Maybe he's just kind and thoughtful and sweet and considerate and helpful after all. Thanks for all your hard work preparing me for my trip, Lincoln! I spent the whole week leading up to my departure screaming, "I NEED A VACATION!" And then a smile would creep onto my face every time as I remembered there was one just around the corner!