Gender-ally Speaking

Have I mentioned yet that the moment this pregnancy was confirmed I morphed into a crabbier version of my 16-year old self? I thought my hormones would start leveling out and hoped that would help clear up my teenage attitude, but the sassiness only appears to be getting worse. 

Bless Jeff.

With my sassiness, I get overly wrapped up in whichever mommy blogger article my "What to Expect When You're Expecting" pregnancy app orders me to read that day. If I agree with the author, I am 100% on board, nodding all the way through the article, giving cyber high-fives to my fellow mommy blogger. 

But if I disagree, a rage builds inside of me that can best be likened to an adolescent girl's temper tantrum. Usually passive aggressive, but if you say just the wrong thing, doors will start slamming only to be followed by an orchestra of angered screeches, ending with a final burst of, "YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND ME!" before the rage goes into remission in anticipation of the next hormonal outburst.

One such article I read a few weeks ago gave me the rage. Did I really slam doors over a differing opinion? No. But I did feel like shouting out, "YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND ME!"

Now, this is a hot button topic. I'm aware. And I'm also aware that this very post could send some other pregnant (or non-pregnant) lady into an identical temper tantrum to what I experienced. The irony is not lost on me. (Is that really irony or do you need to start calling me Alanis?)

The post that got me all in a tizzy was from a mom who has two boys and is pregnant with her third and last child, so at first I was like, "Hey girl! Let's cyber high five and bond over being boy moms! I know just where you're going with this..." 

But then she said before she found out what gender the baby was, she was so offended when people asked her if she wanted a girl. And then when she found out it was another boy, she never, no not ONCE thought, "I kinda wanted a girl." And SHAME on moms who would ever have a preference on what gender their baby is, and how ungrateful to care about such an irrelevant thing as a body part, and yada, yada, yada.

Here's my issue, I really want a girl (Surprise!). Really really bad. I do. I thought I didn't care as much as I do, but I have come to learn about myself that I do care. I hate how much I care about a seemingly insignificant thing. 

Is it vain to want a girl to dress her up in cutesy clothes? Yes. Do I still want a girl for those reasons? Yes. Do I want an excuse to re-watch all my old favorite princess movies? Yes. But I also want a girl because of the story my sister just shared on her blog of looking into a mirror at the temple with her daughters and looking forward to sharing a similar moment with them on their wedding day. I would love to hear a daughter's perspective on high school and college. I wonder what it would be like to watch a daughter have her own child, and to teach her things about being a mother...and to see her slowly morph into me despite her most noble efforts to do otherwise.

And then I feel guilty for wanting those things when someone tells me I shouldn't be feeling that way, when I really can't help but wonder what a mother-daughter relationship is like with me playing the role of the mother.

Now, does this mean I wouldn't love to watch another boy melt into our family so seamlessly because we're already built for boys? Does this mean I'm not grateful to be blessed with the opportunity to have another miracle in our lives? Does this mean I wouldn't love to send another boy on a mission? Does this mean I won't have special moments with my sons on their wedding days, or delight in watching them become fathers? No. That's just not how I see it.

It's like if someone had a platter full of chocolate chip cookies and Rolo cookies and was generously handing them out to people who walked by. Let's say I had walked by twice before and had been given a chocolate chip cookie both times. Awesome! I LOVE chocolate chip cookies. I would never, ever refuse a free chocolate chip cookie. 

But then I decide to walk by again and notice the Rolo cookies. I've never had a Rolo cookie before. They look good. I'd be interested in trying one, just to see what it was like. I'm curious to see how I'd react to a Rolo cookie and if the Rolo cookie would like me and watch princess movies with me and let me put a bow on its head. Okay. Too much of a crossover. 

Anyway, the point is, I don't think wondering what a Rolo cookie tastes like makes me any less grateful for the obvious generosity and blessing of being granted another delicious chocolate chip cookie. I understand that it is not in my control and that Heavenly Father has a grand plan for our family that includes whatever kind of cookies fit in best. :) 

So basically, just in case it was unclear, there is no need to worry about offending me by asking if I would love to have a girl. Yes. I would. I would also obviously love to have another boy. And yeah, when it comes down to it, we are just excited to be adding another bundle of energy to our family no matter what the gender.